Term is over. I have Eiffel Tower crumbs on my floor, no cigarettes and my sink is blocked. Watched I Capture The Castle with S. What have I done? she asked; we laughed laughs of despair and dissolved the icing from her birthday cake into our strong, milkless, sugarless coffees. She fell asleep with her head weighing down mine, and I wondered how we could have fucked up so badly. I can’t shake the image of A walking all the way to the station last night before walking right back again and passing out. Coffee? he texted as I lay half-asleep this morning. Can’t move, I replied, so he came and perched on the edge of my bed and smelt of soap and we hurt each other a little bit more, and a little bit too much before my ice-cold resolve melted and then it was too late. After that he left for the pigeons, the sun and city-sound of London.

We are all very sleep-deprived. My father is coming to rescue me on Tuesday. He will drive too fast and talk to much, and as soon as I am home I will want to be back.